A Letter To Oneself!

In the distance I see myself, standing with my back to the world and from where you can see me; looks like I’m standing admiring the fine countryside, the flowers, the trees, watching the birds flying high and taking in nature itself. It’s a glorious day and i’m standing listening to the sweet whistles of the birds as the sun beams down on me.

The closer you walk towards me, the more you notice there is no fields in front of me, no flowers or trees. What you see is a cliff edge with outstanding views, miles of ocean to be seen with cruise ships sailing in the distances and yachts sailing closer to shore.

I’m at the edge admiring what I have around me, taking in everything that I have and what I take for granted in life, asking everything around me; what have I done wrong? Why me? Should I or shouldn’t I? It keeps playing in my head what I have done to deserve this, the pain runs through me daily and my future becomes out of sight and not just the memories stay in my head, but their also buried in my heart too! Why me? Should I or shouldn’t I? What have I done wrong to deserve this? I question these because of my agonising pain, the heartache and the fear of the unknown. It all occurs over and over and never disappears or gets any easier.

What I have is a disease that is hidden and can easily be hided by fronting a smile and pretending to laugh, attempting to outshine others when realistically I’m struggling to find my breath to survive and with my sight blurry and my body stiff, I see nothing, but a man so empty, with no hope of surviving or beating the demons off, I am failing miserably to control my thoughts and the more I try the more I close up. I’ve got major depression, social anxiety, PTSD and UEPD. The only way I can describe how I feel right now; is that i’m trying to breath normally under water and desperately struggling and no one can see me drowning, as I stand before them. It’s like i’m invisible.

I’ve explained how I feel and yet it never gets any easier, it’s never ending and it’s slowly destroying me, it’s a hidden disease, a disability, an illness and despite it doesn’t always show physically, it shows mentally and emotionally.

That cliff side I was on, I took a step closer to the edge, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and let my fears go; the further I fell, the harder it became to hit the bottom and still falling, i’m yet to hit the bottom.

– James Keenan


8 thoughts on “A Letter To Oneself!

  1. I completely understand the the drowning trying to gasp for air. My issue is I am screaming and crying for help and it is falling on deaf ears or people don’t know how to help me. I had a therapist tell me they were happy to see me at group therapy because they thought I was going to kill myself… I will not hide my disease, but only because I grew up thinking mental illness was common and more people than not have at least one.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I too can understand first hand the drowning while grasping for air and no one sees or notices. I am grateful that I am surrounded by great people and supports too. I have struggled with mental illness from a very young age. It is a silent disease but people like you help to give it a voice. Thank you for sharing your heart felt thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

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