In the distance I see myself, standing with my back to the world and from where you can see me; looks like I’m standing admiring the fine countryside, the flowers, the trees, watching the birds flying high and taking in nature itself. It’s a glorious day and i’m standing listening to the sweet whistles of the birds as the sun beams down on me.
The closer you walk towards me, the more you notice there is no fields in front of me, no flowers or trees. What you see is a cliff edge with outstanding views, miles of ocean to be seen with cruise ships sailing in the distances and yachts sailing closer to shore.
I’m at the edge admiring what I have around me, taking in everything that I have and what I take for granted in life, asking everything around me; what have I done wrong? Why me? Should I or shouldn’t I? It keeps playing in my head what I have done to deserve this, the pain runs through me daily and my future becomes out of sight and not just the memories stay in my head, but their also buried in my heart too! Why me? Should I or shouldn’t I? What have I done wrong to deserve this? I question these because of my agonising pain, the heartache and the fear of the unknown. It all occurs over and over and never disappears or gets any easier.
What I have is a disease that is hidden and can easily be hided by fronting a smile and pretending to laugh, attempting to outshine others when realistically I’m struggling to find my breath to survive and with my sight blurry and my body stiff, I see nothing, but a man so empty, with no hope of surviving or beating the demons off, I am failing miserably to control my thoughts and the more I try the more I close up. I’ve got major depression, social anxiety, PTSD and UEPD. The only way I can describe how I feel right now; is that i’m trying to breath normally under water and desperately struggling and no one can see me drowning, as I stand before them. It’s like i’m invisible.
I’ve explained how I feel and yet it never gets any easier, it’s never ending and it’s slowly destroying me, it’s a hidden disease, a disability, an illness and despite it doesn’t always show physically, it shows mentally and emotionally.
That cliff side I was on, I took a step closer to the edge, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and let my fears go; the further I fell, the harder it became to hit the bottom and still falling, i’m yet to hit the bottom.
– James Keenan